Happy housewife, with a well fed husband.
Traveling the road to becoming the Proverbs 31 woman,encouraging other women as Titus 2:4 commands, living life as a Kingdom Woman, Adventures in Cooking, traveling, friendships, the mundane, ordinary and extraordinary.
Over the last 5 years, the holidays have been
difficult. My mother’s birthday falls a
few days after Christmas, and I am reminded each year that she is no longer
with us. Absent from the body but
present with the Lord. But knowing this truth, it doesn’t get easier.
The anniversary of her passing comes quickly after Christmas
and her birthday. This year, like every year, I celebrate her life by doing
what she loved on her birthday. I went
to a great restaurant and ate a great meal with a good friend. I said a toast
to honor her for the amazing job she did in raising me and my two brothers
alone. In spite of all the hardships she faced in her very difficult life, she
never stopped pouring out love to those around her. She wasn’t perfect, but
most people comment on how sweet she was.
I like to think that in this sense, I take after my mother.
Additionally, after a few years of hardship in my own life
and a particularly difficult end to 2017, I was very ready for a fresh start. My spirits were high and I entered 2018 with a
joyful heart, a smile and some dancing, of course.
A few days later a late evening shower brought a new dose of
reality.
I’ve been taking charge of my health over the last few
months, including a new diet and exercise regime I started in October. I’ve lost 21lbs of fat and I am glad. Had I not, I wouldn’t have been able to feel
the lump in my breast.
In that moment, the memories of 7 years of watching my
mother fight Stage 4 Inflammatory Breast Cancer flooded back. It developed quickly and spread aggressively,
into her lymph nodes and ultimately as a brain tumor. My mother never drank, she’d never done drugs,
she ate healthy, she worked hard, and stayed sweet.
In those 7 years, I watched her go through
numerous chemo therapies, grow weaker. She continued to work at her job in a shelter
for women who were victims of domestic abuse, up to 6 months before she died.
She was a tough cookie.
I thought on all these things as I stood in my bathroom, wrapped
in a towel, my hair dripping cold water down my back. I got dressed for bed and tried to sleep it
off. I didn’t want to think about it. The next morning I was on the phone with
my doctor making an emergency appointment.
For years, as my mother fought breast cancer, I would ask my
doctor about getting an early mammogram.
I was told that they were not done until the age of 40. I would have to wait 10 more years under this
rule. At one point, as I did a self-exam,
I felt something strange and asked my doctor to check it. I was told it was probably a fibroid and
nothing to worry about.
Probably.
Nothing to worry about.
No mammogram.
Unbelievable.
Didn’t they understand that I was watching someone I love
die of something that I DID worry about.
My days were consumed with keeping track of doctor appointments, speaking
with my mother’s case worker, surgeries, chemo therapies, and flying back to New
York as often as possible to cook my mother healthy foods that she could store
in her freezer in the off chance that she would actually try to eat that day. In addition to the fact that I was on my knees
everyday praying that my mother would accept Christ before she breathed her
last breath.
Nothing to worry about is a poor consolatory statement for
people who are living this reality.
I tried to remain calm.
The day of my doctor’s appointment, I
went to His word.
Matthew
6:25-34 New Life Version (NLV)
Jesus Teaches about Cares
of Life
25 “I tell you this: Do not
worry about your life. Do not worry about what you are going to eat and drink.
Do not worry about what you are going to wear. Is not life more important than
food? Is not the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds in the
sky. They do not plant seeds. They do not gather grain. They do not put grain
into a building to keep. Yet your Father in heaven feeds them! Are you not more
important than the birds? 27 Which of you can make
himself a little taller by worrying? 28 Why should you worry about
clothes? Think how the flowers grow. They do not work or make cloth. 29 But I tell you that
Solomon in all his greatness was not dressed as well as one of these
flowers. 30 God clothes the grass of the field. It lives today and is burned
in the stove tomorrow. How much more will He give you clothes? You have so
little faith! 31 Do not worry. Do not keep saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or, ‘What
will we drink?’ or, ‘What will we wear?’ 32 The people who do not know
God are looking for all these things. Your Father in heaven knows you need all
these things. 33 First of all, look for the holy nation of God. Be right with Him.
All these other things will be given to you also. 34 Do not worry about
tomorrow. Tomorrow will have its own worries. The troubles we have in a day are
enough for one day.
I wasn’t crazy.
There is, in fact a lump.
I was scheduled
for the mammogram I had been requesting for the last 8 years.
So on the 5th anniversary of my mother’s death
from breast cancer, I was standing in the mammography room getting my first
mammogram. I tried not to cry as the
gravity of this experience washed over me. I tried not to cry as I stood there
enduring something quite physically painful, but in no way as painful as the
feelings I was experiencing.
Afterward, I stared at the screen looking at the white mass
that had been illuminated from the darkness and brought into my new reality. I’d
seen numerous films in dealing with my mother’s cancer that I knew that was I
was seeing was not normal. Next I lay there as I was given an ultrasound to see
the density.
It was at this moment that I wished I didn’t know the things
I know, like how to read mammography and ultrasounds.
I was already preparing myself for what is coming the
future.
Once the results were in, I heard what I was expecting.
Most likely a Fibroadenoma.
Most likely a benign tumor.
Most you'll need a biopsy, possibly surgery.
Most. Likely.
Possibly.
I cried after I got off the phone with the doctor. I don’t
want a biopsy. I don’t want surgery. In my late 20’s I had finally gotten
comfortable with my body and my boobs! I don’t want a scar for something to remember
this experience by.
A good friend reminded me, “You serve Someone much greater.”
This I know, and yet I worry.
I know it and still I cry.
I praise Him.
I get in His word.
I pray.
I breathe.
I worship.
I pour it out.
In His presence my soul is satisfied.
Every time.
I trust Him to work all things out for my good.
I remind myself that if it’s not good yet, He’s not done.
I remind myself that in every season, I am loved by the one who created me.
He is my defender, and the one who calms the storm.
He is my Jehovah Rapha, my God who heals.
Romans
8:28 Amplified Bible (AMP)
28 And we
know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes
all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to
those who are called according to His plan and purpose.
It’s
certainly been quite a few years since I’ve written anything for this blog.
The reality
being that more than a few trials have come my way in those years. The biggest one being the end of my marriage
of 9 years. And although I’ve written
quite a few things in journals regarding my thoughts on the subject I’ve never posted them.
I know
me.
I’d read them over and over, analyzing
what went wrong, wondering if I could have done anything more to save my marriage.
The truth is,
I did everything I could. Even things I
couldn’t, relying entirely on God’s strength.
When speaking with people after the events that lead to the end of my marriage, and in the subsequent
years since, I’ve come to accept “the look.”
There’s
always a look.
Sometimes the
look is of shock, usually melting into pity.
Yes. It’s a
pity.
But as I explain the transformation that took place in my heart, "the look" quickly fades to one of surprise. As I explain what the Lord did in my heart, my mind and my spirit, I get a chance to show God's greatness. The new look? It depends on the person. Non-believers have mixed reactions... disbelief, incredulity, surprise. However, it's can be the same reaction with fellow believers.
We all have doubts. Trials either confirm our beliefs or unravel them.
I explain how God never left. I
explain how sweet my time of worship was with him, hidden in the shadow of his
wing as I cried songs of hardship and the victory I would receive.
In the year
prior to my marriage ending, marriage counseling was a lonely place. You can’t save your marriage when the other
person is dead set on doing nothing. I
fought for us on my own.
I’m single
now. However the last year and a half of
my marriage was the loneliest I’ve ever felt. It was compounded as I watched
someone I love, turn into someone I knew they’d hate. No amount of love, patience or prayer
changed the mind of someone dead set on their own destruction.
That’s how it
goes sometimes. Sometimes there’s not
enough love in the world to help someone understand, or to love themselves. That’s
why I made my knees black and blue from praying that God would move my husband’s
heart, and open his eyes to sin, and restore him to the joy of his salvation.
I fasted.
I prayed.
I cried.
I pressed in.
I was closer
to the Lord than I had ever been, in my life. Even closer than when I lost my
mother to Stage IV Inflammatory Breast Cancer.
My beliefs became real. My understanding of my Lord became unshakable. My doubts and questions about
God dissolved.
My resolve was firm.
My faith unmoved.
My belief in the miraculous strengthened.
These have
not been an easy 3 years, but they have been full of confidence that although
man bitterly rejected me, my Savior has not.
And together, my Jesus and I, share in this experience.
They say the
closer the person to you that has rejected you, the deeper the wound. When your spouse is the one who has
rejected you, the rending of your mind, soul and spirit is profound.
I thought a great many things in the year that
followed, many scary and crushing thoughts.
And at every thought, the still small voice of God reminded me that I am
loved, that He is still El Roi, the God who sees me.
The attacks I experienced were great.
Ferocious.
Unrelenting.
I was fighting for my life. If I’m honest, I truly was fighting to stay alive on some very dark days. And I was thankful for the careful
instruction and discipline I had learned years before from 2 Corinthians 10:6.
“We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped
philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting
every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped
by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every
obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity.” 2 Corinthians
10:6 (MSG)
So I did as the word said.
Daily, I smashed warped philosophies that attempted to take root in my mind and my
heart. Through tears, I prayed down
heaven. I stood against every loose thought and emotion, and commanded it into
the obedience of Christ. I prayed daily for a heart a of flesh, that I might not
become embittered due to the pain that had been inflicted on me by the hand of
the one I loved and trusted.
I prayed for God to show me how to love my husband
now. And I begged for the Lord to show me how to love my enemy.
God answered.
I forgave my ex-husband.
I prayed new
prayers: God bring him low, so he can once again recognize his need for you and
turn away from his sin. Do whatever you
need to do, but spare his life.
I prayed for
my enemy through hot tears.
I swallowed
hard and took a deep breath. I resolved to accept His way was not my way. But he had answered. And I
resolved to accept His will as the Holy Spirit washed me, comforted me and
endued me with the power to take one step closer to the finish line.
Life would
never be the same from the moment I made the decision to accept His will and not my own.
"Nothing ventured nothing lost."
This saying dates back to Chaucer (c.1374) and is similar to an old
French proverb that says, "He who never undertook anything never achieved
anything." If you've ever faced
making an important decision, you may have heard this saying. A rough translation would be, "You can't
get anywhere if you're not willing to take the risk."
I'm not, by nature, a risk taker.
I'm a “put my ducks in a row, write it pen in your schedule book, wish
that a Magic 8 ball really worked,” type of a person. I like need to know what's going to
happen in every situation. Recently, I
watched a researcher, Brene Brown give a talk on "Connections: The Power
of Vulnerability." She studied our
longing for connection and what unravels it.
I began to think about what keeps us from connecting to other people in our
lives. Why don't we take the risk to ask
someone to coffee, attend a bible study on our own, or go to an event without
the crutch of going with a friend?
Ultimately, it's shame.
"Shame is the fear of disconnection," says Brown. I believe we all carry a deep seeded fear
that there is something wrong with us.
In the recesses of our mind, we carry the fear that if other people see
our dysfunction, we will be deemed unworthy of connection. The thing about shame is that it is
universal, and no one wants to talk about it.
Unfortunately, the less you talk about it, the more shame you have.
How does shame influence our connections with people? In order for connection to happen we have to
allow ourselves to be seen. REALLY
seen. This excruciating vulnerability is
something that must happen in order for true connections to be made. If you're a fear based person, it means that
the fear of being alone in the world, out weighs the fear of being made
vulnerable.
The researcher went on to say that there are, in essence, two types of
people in the world. Those with a strong
sense of worthiness vs. those who struggle with unworthiness. The main difference between the two is that
those who don't struggle BELIEVE they are worthy of love and
belonging. The fear of unworthiness
keeps us from connection.
So here we are. Christians called to
fellowship, and walking through life with other believers and non-believers
alike. Yet, we hold back from making
true connections because we hold within us a fear of rejection. We are afraid of being found out to be an
imperfect person with issues. We were
made to be interdependent and social with others. Yet we hold back because we wait for someone
else to approach us.
If you're not taking a risk on someone you're not living. I learned this to be true. Before I came to know Christ, I had instances
of loneliness, but I was surprised that after I gave my life over, I felt more
alone than ever. God had changed my
heart and suddenly I was faced with the reality that I was alone in my new life. I knew that God was with me but I was a lone
island in a sea of unbelievers amongst my friends and family. I was experiencing the fear of unworthiness
by those who knew the old me.
I'd like to say that I drew near to the Lord and got to know Him in my
times of solitude and everything was fine.
However, although I did spend every free moment reading His word, it
didn't help me to feel anymore connected to those around me. It wasn't until I read the verse in James
4:2, "You have not, because you ask not." I prayed for friends with no response. I felt betrayed by God until I realized that
our God is the god of details. My
generic prayers weren't being answered because I already had
"friends," but my actual need was for "Godly friends."
I've never been a woman who connects well with other women. I grew up with boys, I've been the loan woman
in many bands overrun with men, my best friends have always been guys etc. It was less drama and less work than the
kinds of relationships I saw in women around me. Those female friendships I observed involved
a lot of phone calls and lunch dates and going shopping and talking and blechhhh...
not my thing. “Not for me,” I
thought. However, it became apparent
that there were some things that could not and would not be translated in my
male/female friendships. I was lonelier
than ever, yet I decided to take my first risk.
I simply prayed, "God, please bring godly female friendships into
my life. Amen." I made myself vulnerable to God with my requests. I waited, again with no immediate
response. I isolated myself but
continued to fervently read His word.
A few weeks later, I was at my church in Manhattan and as I read the
bulletin I saw that there was a women's bible study. The thought crossed my mind that I should go,
but the fear that I would have nothing to offer at such a study squashed my
inclination. It was around this time I
heard the saying, "Nothing ventured, nothing lost." It made sense to me and lined up perfectly
with my personality of not being a risk taker.
Then I realized that if there is nothing ventured, then nothing is
gained. I wanted to "have" but
I didn't want to venture the risk. I was
lacking close relationships and connection because I was unwilling to be
exposed. I was too worried that I would
be rejected, that I would be deemed unworthy of connection if my secrets got
out and people knew who I really was. I
had bought into the lie the enemy was whispering in my ear. “You are not worthy of that kind of
friendship, you are not versed enough in the bible to offer any insights, you
are damaged goods, You are not a normal woman…” Such powerful lies, and I was
buying into every one. However God was
with me, and that Tuesday night, He gave me the courage to walk into a room of
70 women. There began my journey of
connection.
My time of bible study and fellowship with these 10 women in my small group
changed me forever. It was a group of
women ranging from age 20 to 70 and my prayer had been answered. I'd like to say that we became inseparable
friends, but the truth is that I only keep in contact with 2 or 3 of those who
I spent more one on one time with.
Within our group we were all so different, but God meant for it to be
that way. How else would we grow, and
how would we be challenged to grow if we were all the same? I learned that people enter your life for a
season and that we can be Sisters in Christ but we don’t all have to be best
friends. They are there to pour into
your life for the time that God has ordained.
Some are placed in our lives to challenge us, while others are there to
nurture us. Had I not taken the risk of
being vulnerable I would not have learned these things and grown as a
person.
There comes a point in life where the fear of being made vulnerable is
outweighed by our desire for true connection.
It's only in this time when these true godly friendships enter our
lives. But it takes risk! It takes
believing that you are worthy of those friendships. It takes the knowledge, dependence and trust
in God, that regardless of the outcome of the risk you take, even if you are
rejected by man, that you are accepted by the God Most High. If you're feeling alone, what lie about
yourself has the enemy deceived you with?
If you're complaining that you are lacking connection or friends in your
life, what risks you are taking to make those connections happen? If you are defeated by rejection, where does
your sense of self-worth come from, being liked or befriended by others, or
from the One who gives you each breath? Just
some thoughts I’ve had lately.
I was recently playing a song that contained an Amaj7 chord and I realized that it created a bit of hopeful tension in the piece. I think it’s my new favorite chord in music. It’s happy with a touch of melancholy; my musical interpretation of life in general.
In recent months I’ve experienced plenty of happiness with a touch of melancholy. It’s been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, and plenty of bitter sweet moments. But most of all hard lessons in obedience I thought I’d already learned. These times made me think of the long road it’s been to where my life is now and how if I forget the lessons I’ve learned, I’m bound to repeat them.
Years ago, I enjoyed singing in choirs and musicals. Karaoke? Sure! I used singing as a way to entertain people. “You’re so gifted, your voice is so pretty…” people would comment. Before long I thought, “Great. Wonderful. Thank you. But what’s the point?” I was in musicals, plays, choirs, orchestras, but overall I had lost my love for music and mostly I struggled with a crippling fear that my best was not good enough. I wondered, what’s the point of all this? I didn’t know God then.
Later as a new Christian, I began looking for answers as to why my life had turned into such a mess. All the temptations that the world offered, I had used and abused. I was exhausted. I realized that my misery was a direct result of the choices I had made and I was determined to get myself out of the hole I had dug. I wanted to know my purpose in life.
I had been encouraged by a coworker to visit her church on New York City’s East side. It took some time of church searching before I finally visited Trinity Baptist, but I’m glad I did. It was Palm Sunday and I walked into this formerly Swedish Baptist Church and waited in the balcony for service to begin. I didn’t know that I had a particularly important appointment with God that day. I was a little bit uncomfortable at first because I thought people would look at me and wonder what I was doing there. I realized perhaps I had not thought through my wardrobe choice for that morning. I didn’t know. I was new at this whole Christian thing.
The worship leader walked out to start worship and welcomed everyone to church. I was surprised. A woman?! A woman named Beth, in a long suit jacket and slacks?! Standing behind her was a choir of people and to her right a worship band including a brass section. Coming from a limited Catholic background, I was shocked when they started playing a song, I know now was by Kirk Franklin. “What IS this?” I wondered. I watched her, the choir and band in awe. “This is what I’ve been put on earth to do. THIS is the point!” I thought.
God spoke to me then. “Do you see that woman down there? She is singing to me. She is worship me. She is praising me. That is what you will be doing with your life, for me.” In my mind, I saw myself standing on a stage. There was a single white light shining down on me. I was singing worship with my hands raised in a stadium full of people I couldn’t see, but knew where there. I broke down crying.
Psalm 34
1 I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
I prayed this psalm to the Lord and vowed to praise Him no matter what. My heart felt like it would explode.
This is the point of music.
This is the reason I sing.
This is who I will sing for.
Moments later the enemy attacked with his lies. “You’ll never be able to do what that woman is doing! She’s trained. She’s talented. She’s been following God. What have you been doing with your life? You’ll never be the worship leader.” Fear gripped me. I shook my head to say no and said no to God’s plan for me.
In the months that followed, I tried to join the church’s choir and my work schedule prohibited it. I would sing along from the 4th pew where I sat faithfully each Sunday. I had a longing. But whenever the memory of what God had said to me crept up, I shook my head and His call on my life away.
Two years later I would move to Florida, find a new church home and sing faithfully again from the center section during worship. One day a man named Will heard me singing and encouraged me to join the choir and sing on the praise team. I put it off. Until Will took it upon himself to talk to the worship leader and tell him about the girl who stood behind him singing that he just needed to hear. Soon, I had joined the choir and was asked to sing on the praise team.
My first weekend: I sang my harmonies quietly during rehearsals because the prospect that at 10 AM the room would be filled with 700 people scared me to death. My hands were cold and shaking. My stomach ached with stage fright. I wondered why I had agreed. I rationalized that there were 4 other people singing next to me. No one would know it was me. I kept on this way for months blending in the background.
A few months later, I saw that the worship leader had me scheduled to sing a special song during the offertory. I was excited at first. Then panic set in. I practiced obsessively. And ultimately, I contemplated calling out sick. The day arrived. I paced, and tried to appear calm. The time came to sing and all those lies, I’d heard that morning in New York came flooding back.
I choked.
In front of a filled auditorium my singing began to crack and I began to cry. The worship leader looked over and just nodded. The band vamped on the chord progression. I was mortified. I was crying in public. All those eyes staring back at me. I closed my eyes and sang to God. With eyes closed, it was the two of us. The song ended and the congregation clapped. I left the stage quickly and hid in the bathroom. Psalm 34:1 repeated in my mind. I remembered my vow. God was not going to let me hide in the background and bathrooms forever. He reminded me, “I have plans for you. You will lead.”
I’d like to say, I finally got over my fears and obeyed God’s call, but I didn’t. Instead, I took a job as a preschool teacher and hid for 5 years instead of seeking
out God’s plan and training for my future. I hid in the open by singing background vocals and learning how to support other worship leaders. I changed the subject whenever someone asked me if I would come sing at their church, or at another ministry event.
I thought of excuses as to why I couldn’t lead worship for women’s ministry, or to help start a youth band. I smiled politely on the outside and was gripped with doubt on the inside. Singing was the only times I felt truly free, it was the aftermath of attacks from the enemy that shook my core. My pattern: Sing, run, sing run, that was my cycle. I did this with the devil smiling triumphantly as he ran behind me.
In the last months of 2012, God began changing my life. God changed my heart. God changed my mind. I was losing my mother to a rare form of breast cancer. It was a difficult time. I was heartbroken. I was scared. I was angry at the prospect of losing my mother. God again reminded me of my vow. I thought of David in the bible; the author of songs of happiness and melancholy. I thought, “I’m a David too.” I made the decision to sing no matter how I felt. I choked out songs through tears of sadness and frustration. I kicked my shoes off and worshiped in gladness. I jumped around and sang and danced for God alone. Weekly, I laid it bare before the Lord as congregations of people watched.
On the afternoon of January 7th 2013, the hospice nurse came to help with the care of my mother. I didn’t know what else to do, so I sat in our music room. I banged out chords on the keyboard and sang every song about God’s goodness, love and faithfulness that I could muster. I knew that my mother had accepted Christ before she had slipped into a medicine induced sleep. So I worshiped for the both of us. I sang loud enough for her to hear, and loud enough to overcome my fear, the pain I knew was coming, and the joy I knew my mother would experience in a short while.
At 11:55pm my mother went to be with the Lord.
I decided I was done running.
That following Sunday, I sang at church.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
Refrain:
It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
If you see me in leading worship, eyes closed, it’s because I am with my Lord; making my vow to him. If you see me leading worship with knit brows and a wavering voice, it’s because I am making my vow in love to Him. If you see me in worship jumping around, hands raised, smile on my face it’s because I’m making my vow in victory to Him.
The enemy is defeated.
I’ve stopped running from God. I run to Him.
My life is an Amaj7 chord: happy with a touch of melancholy.
I
am in the middle of the ocean, and the sky is dark as night. The wind is billowing up and the waves are
tossing to great heights. I’m not on a
boat, or a life raft. Nor am I floating
in a life preserver. I am walking. I am walking on the water. I know who I am to look for. I am looking for Him; my Jesus, my Savior, my
Strength. But no matter where I look, I
can’t find Him. I’m not afraid, I just
keep walking, waves tossing, sky flashing.
I keep walking. I keep searching
for Jesus.
I
wake up.
I have lived my whole life close to the ocean; first, on the beaches of Long Island
and now on the beaches of South Florida.
I love to lie on the beach and listen to the waves lapping the shore, seagulls
gulling, children splashing about. Many
a childhood summer was spent floating, face to sky, listening to the underwater
tinkering of tossed shells.
Yet,
I fear the ocean. The steady waves can
eat away a shoreline, tear down a building, or snatch you up and draw you out
to its depths never to be seen again.
There’s the real fear. I know the
power of a riptide. I know the fear of
gasping for air as the waves and water fill your belly. I have felt the panic of my helplessness as I struggled to swim. I have known the feeling of wanting to just give in and let the water overtake me. If you have ever almost drowned, you understand. I have a healthy
respect for the ocean. I also have a great fear of it.
No one knows better the fears of my heart,
the joys of my soul and the love of my God than King David in his psalms. And never have I understood more, the words
he wrote about the depths than in this season of my life.
Psalm 42:7- Deep calls to deep in the roar of
your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
Psalm 69:2-I sink in the miry depths, where there is no
foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me.
I have certainly felt the roar of the
waterfalls and the flood engulfing me. I
have felt myself sink into the miry depths where there is no foothold. I have felt myself drowning in an ocean of despair
in the midst of a situation that seemed to have no hope. And yet, when I could have listened to the
voice saying, “Just give in. All is lost.” I continued on in a desperate attempt to find relief to fight the lies. To fight the fears.
I got on my knees and prayed for 3 days.
I saw the sun rise and set as I prayed to God. With an great ache in my heart I began to think, “Dying is the only thing that could cure this pain.” I cried out to God; knees hurting, at the top of my lungs, head buried in the couch cushions.
Then God the Holy Spirit brought to mind…
Romans
12:3 (NKJV) -3 For I
say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of
himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God
has dealt to each one a measure of faith.
I prayed boldly. I dared to pray for an extra measure
of faith. I needed Him to give me more
faith; to help me believe. And as
suddenly as the storm had risen in me, it was calmed. I felt His peace where fear had overtaken
me. I felt His joy where sadness had
driven me to despair. In an instant my
tears dried up, my fears silenced. I felt His compassion. I felt him leading me. I
felt His presence.It was freaky.It was overwhelming.It was awesome.
Micah 7:19 (ESV)-He will
again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will
cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.
Psalm 139:9-10 (ESV)- If I
take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even
there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
I am reminded of Peter walking on water when
Jesus called him. It says he got out of
the boat, walked on the water and came to
Jesus. But Peter looked at the storm
around him and began to sink. When he
cried out to Jesus, he reached out his hand and took hold of Peter. (Matthew 14:22-23) That means, Peter walked the length of the
sea in the midst of the storm, got within arms reach of Jesus and then looked
away! Peter was within arms reach, in God's presence and he
looked away! How may times have I myself
been so near the presence of God and looked way?
So what of my dream?
In my dream, I am walking. I don’t see Jesus, but I am looking for Him. I am not looking at the waves except to see
if Jesus is stepping out of them. I am
not looking at the flash of lightning, except to see if its light has revealed
Him. In my dream I am not afraid. In my dream I am not sinking. In my dream, my mind is on my Savior. In my dream I am determined to find Him; to be in His presence.
In the light of day, I see the sun is shining. I see the palm leaves swaying in the morning
breezes. The storm rises up inside of
me. The fears rear their ugly head. I remember my dream. I remember to keep searching for Him.
I am at peace.Because, I think of Him moment by moment.Because, I trust in Him.Because I asked for more of Him.
Luke 11 (ERV)- 9 So I tell you, continue to ask, and God will give to you.
Continue to search, and you will find. Continue to knock, and the door will
open for you.10 Yes, whoever continues to ask will receive.
Whoever continues to look will find. And whoever continues to knock will have
the door opened for them.
Never stop searching. Never stop asking. You will receive.
Christ Brings New Life20 You died with Christ. Now the forces of the universe[d] don’t have any power over you.
I've encountered a lot of hurting people in my walk with God. And I have had the honor to walk along side them in their times of trouble. But, honestly I find myself wondering at times why they are confiding in me. Some things are easier than others to carry with them, but there have been times where the troubles seem to be too much for me to bear. In those times I find myself asking, "Why me?"
But in response to my first question, I am faced with another question, "Why not me?" What makes me so special that I feel like I shouldn't have to do these hard things? The answer is Christ. Jesus died for me. He died to pay the price to reconcile me with God, to make me new, to make me powerful in the strength of his Holy Spirit. I often forget the last two things.
My memory holds the truth of who I was, but my life now reveals the truth of who God has made me. Often times, I find myself at odds with who I think I am and who God tells me I am. Such a conundrum. Reconciling the old me with the new me. But the fact remains that the old me is DEAD, no more, gone and buried. The new me is alive in strength of the same Holy Spirit who lived in Jesus. Best of all, it was a free gift to me from God... no strings attached, no repayment needed.
I used to slip into "Stinkin' Thinkin'," when someone would come to me for counsel. It goes a little like this... "You have nothing to offer them... You don't know how to help them... This situation is beyond your scope...don't they know who you used to be?" That enemy has no new tricks, but there I was, falling for them all. Oh my sad, sad brain; that chooses on any given day, to think back to those days before my life was changed and make decisions or choices from that place.
How then do we go about life in the new reality of who we are? How do we tap into the power of Christ to live out our lives daily? It took years of conditioning to become the yucky-me-I-used-to-be. And for me personally, it has taken some time and work to become who I am now. For me the change began in my mind.
2 Corinthians 10:5...we aretaking every thought captive to theobedience of Christ... Romans 12:22 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
When I read these verses years ago, it hit me. Am I holding every thought captive to the obedience of Christ? Am I weighing whether this thought I am having is from God, in line with his Spirit and with the Word of God? I realized all too often I was just letting my mind wander back and forth, from the old man to the new man. And in the meantime, I was living my life by my feelings or from my own thoughts. Since I already knew what a "great job" I had done before I gave my life to Jesus, I realized this had to change. I started reading my Bible, and searching for encouraging scriptures. I wrote them out and taped them to my bathroom mirror. It's a practice that I continue to this day.
One of the verses that has been in circulation on my bathroom mirror this year.
And so began the renewing of my mind, as I flossed and brushed my teeth every day. I would change out the scripture every few weeks to another that I had found, but I soon realized that my thoughts about myself were changing. I realized my view of the world, of other people and my circumstances were changing. That voice in my head, that would put me down was getting quieter. Some days it didn't even show up, but when it did, I would ask, "Is this what God thinks of me? Is this what God would have me do? Is this in His word?" I was thinking differently, and with the mind of Christ. The beginning of Proverbs 23:7 says "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he..." Stop, and assess the harsh thoughts we have about ourselves. "You can't do that... You're not as pretty as so and so... You're getting fatter... You're getting older... You're not going to be able to complete that project in time... etc..." Can you imagine if someone said these things to you? I don't know about you, but it would take all I have in me not to punch them! We wouldn't say these hurtful things to others. So why then, do we not extend ourselves the same kindness and consideration we would gladly give to others. Why do we allow the enemy to have this kind of power over us in our thought life? This has got to stop. You were made for more than that! I have been able to use all those experiences meant to destroy me in life, for the good and glory of God, in my ministry with other women. God, who so gladly extended me mercy, kindness and understanding, has taught me to do the same to those who have asked me for counsel, or have confided in me their hardships. I saw that they needed someone to do it for them until they could learn to do it for themselves. In doing so, that action has revealed to me the answer to my first question, of Why me? Why not me! I too have struggled with the core issue of believing what God says about me vs. what the enemy says about me. Who better to share my struggle and victory with, than with another woman who is walking those same steps? And the glory of God's work is that in sharing my hardships and victories, God shows me in the kindest and most loving way possible, who He's made me to be and how far He and I have come together in our relationship. God is alive. He is a gentleman. He has shown me these things over these past 10 years. A life completely surrendered to Him is rewarded with this knowledge: The old has gone and the new has come. I am holy. I am blameless. I am powerful. I am righteous. I am healthy. I am prosperous. I am forgiven. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of good things. I am His beloved. Whether I feel it, or whether I believe it completely, at the time, is irrelevant! Why? Because He is the Truth and The Way. As Christ is in heaven, so am I on this earth. What a truth! What a wonderful realization! And when you wake up in the morning with this kind of bad hair day, it helps to remember who you really are. :)
Thank you God for bad hair days. Just another reminder of how much I need you. Even in the little things.
