Amaj7 Chord: Happiness with a touch of Melancholy
In recent months I’ve experienced plenty of happiness with a touch of melancholy. It’s been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, and plenty of bitter sweet moments. But most of all hard lessons in obedience I thought I’d already learned. These times made me think of the long road it’s been to where my life is now and how if I forget the lessons I’ve learned, I’m bound to repeat them.
Years ago, I enjoyed singing in choirs and musicals. Karaoke? Sure! I used singing as a way to entertain people. “You’re so gifted, your voice is so pretty…” people would comment. Before long I thought, “Great. Wonderful. Thank you. But what’s the point?” I was in musicals, plays, choirs, orchestras, but overall I had lost my love for music and mostly I struggled with a crippling fear that my best was not good enough. I wondered, what’s the point of all this? I didn’t know God then.
Later as a new Christian, I began looking for answers as to why my life had turned into such a mess. All the temptations that the world offered, I had used and abused. I was exhausted. I realized that my misery was a direct result of the choices I had made and I was determined to get myself out of the hole I had dug. I wanted to know my purpose in life.
I had been encouraged by a coworker to visit her church on New York City’s East side. It took some time of church searching before I finally visited Trinity Baptist, but I’m glad I did. It was Palm Sunday and I walked into this formerly Swedish Baptist Church and waited in the balcony for service to begin. I didn’t know that I had a particularly important appointment with God that day. I was a little bit uncomfortable at first because I thought people would look at me and wonder what I was doing there. I realized perhaps I had not thought through my wardrobe choice for that morning. I didn’t know. I was new at this whole Christian thing.
The worship leader walked out to start worship and welcomed everyone to church. I was surprised. A woman?! A woman named Beth, in a long suit jacket and slacks?! Standing behind her was a choir of people and to her right a worship band including a brass section. Coming from a limited Catholic background, I was shocked when they started playing a song, I know now was by Kirk Franklin. “What IS this?” I wondered. I watched her, the choir and band in awe. “This is what I’ve been put on earth to do. THIS is the point!” I thought.
God spoke to me then. “Do you see that woman down there? She is singing to me. She is worship me. She is praising me. That is what you will be doing with your life, for me.” In my mind, I saw myself standing on a stage. There was a single white light shining down on me. I was singing worship with my hands raised in a stadium full of people I couldn’t see, but knew where there. I broke down crying.
I prayed this psalm to the Lord and vowed to praise Him no matter what. My heart felt like it would explode.
Psalm 34
1 I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
This is the point of music.
This is the reason I sing.
This is who I will sing for.
Moments later the enemy attacked with his lies. “You’ll never be able to do what that woman is doing! She’s trained. She’s talented. She’s been following God. What have you been doing with your life? You’ll never be the worship leader.” Fear gripped me. I shook my head to say no and said no to God’s plan for me.
In the months that followed, I tried to join the church’s choir and my work schedule prohibited it. I would sing along from the 4th pew where I sat faithfully each Sunday. I had a longing. But whenever the memory of what God had said to me crept up, I shook my head and His call on my life away.
Two years later I would move to Florida, find a new church home and sing faithfully again from the center section during worship. One day a man named Will heard me singing and encouraged me to join the choir and sing on the praise team. I put it off. Until Will took it upon himself to talk to the worship leader and tell him about the girl who stood behind him singing that he just needed to hear. Soon, I had joined the choir and was asked to sing on the praise team.
My first weekend: I sang my harmonies quietly during rehearsals because the prospect that at 10 AM the room would be filled with 700 people scared me to death. My hands were cold and shaking. My stomach ached with stage fright. I wondered why I had agreed. I rationalized that there were 4 other people singing next to me. No one would know it was me. I kept on this way for months blending in the background.
A few months later, I saw that the worship leader had me scheduled to sing a special song during the offertory. I was excited at first. Then panic set in. I practiced obsessively. And ultimately, I contemplated calling out sick. The day arrived. I paced, and tried to appear calm. The time came to sing and all those lies, I’d heard that morning in New York came flooding back.
I choked.
In front of a filled auditorium my singing began to crack and I began to cry. The worship leader looked over and just nodded. The band vamped on the chord progression. I was mortified. I was crying in public. All those eyes staring back at me. I closed my eyes and sang to God. With eyes closed, it was the two of us. The song ended and the congregation clapped. I left the stage quickly and hid in the bathroom. Psalm 34:1 repeated in my mind. I remembered my vow. God was not going to let me hide in the background and bathrooms forever. He reminded me, “I have plans for you. You will lead.”
I’d like to say, I finally got over my fears and obeyed God’s call, but I didn’t. Instead, I took a job as a preschool teacher and hid for 5 years instead of seeking
out God’s plan and training for my future. I hid in the open by singing background vocals and learning how to support other worship leaders. I changed the subject whenever someone asked me if I would come sing at their church, or at another ministry event.
I thought of excuses as to why I couldn’t lead worship for women’s ministry, or to help start a youth band. I smiled politely on the outside and was gripped with doubt on the inside. Singing was the only times I felt truly free, it was the aftermath of attacks from the enemy that shook my core. My pattern: Sing, run, sing run, that was my cycle. I did this with the devil smiling triumphantly as he ran behind me.
In the last months of 2012, God began changing my life. God changed my heart. God changed my mind. I was losing my mother to a rare form of breast cancer. It was a difficult time. I was heartbroken. I was scared. I was angry at the prospect of losing my mother. God again reminded me of my vow. I thought of David in the bible; the author of songs of happiness and melancholy. I thought, “I’m a David too.” I made the decision to sing no matter how I felt. I choked out songs through tears of sadness and frustration. I kicked my shoes off and worshiped in gladness. I jumped around and sang and danced for God alone. Weekly, I laid it bare before the Lord as congregations of people watched.
On the afternoon of January 7th 2013, the hospice nurse came to help with the care of my mother. I didn’t know what else to do, so I sat in our music room. I banged out chords on the keyboard and sang every song about God’s goodness, love and faithfulness that I could muster. I knew that my mother had accepted Christ before she had slipped into a medicine induced sleep. So I worshiped for the both of us. I sang loud enough for her to hear, and loud enough to overcome my fear, the pain I knew was coming, and the joy I knew my mother would experience in a short while.
At 11:55pm my mother went to be with the Lord.
I decided I was done running.
That following Sunday, I sang at church.
After 10 years of running, I am leading worship.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
Refrain:
It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
** It Is Well With My Soul ** (link)
After 10 years of running, I am leading worship.
If you see me in leading worship, eyes closed, it’s because I am with my Lord; making my vow to him. If you see me leading worship with knit brows and a wavering voice, it’s because I am making my vow in love to Him. If you see me in worship jumping around, hands raised, smile on my face it’s because I’m making my vow in victory to Him.
The enemy is defeated.
I’ve stopped running from God. I run to Him.
My life is an Amaj7 chord: happy with a touch of melancholy.
And I am making good on my vow to the Lord.
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