Happy Housewife, Well Fed Husband

Connections: One is the loneliest number...

"Nothing ventured nothing lost."  This saying dates back to Chaucer (c.1374) and is similar to an old French proverb that says, "He who never undertook anything never achieved anything."  If you've ever faced making an important decision, you may have heard this saying.  A rough translation would be, "You can't get anywhere if you're not willing to take the risk."

I'm not, by nature, a risk taker.  I'm a “put my ducks in a row, write it pen in your schedule book, wish that a Magic 8 ball really worked,” type of a person.  I like need to know what's going to happen in every situation.  Recently, I watched a researcher, Brene Brown give a talk on "Connections: The Power of Vulnerability."  She studied our longing for connection and what unravels it.

I began to think about what keeps us from connecting to other people in our lives.  Why don't we take the risk to ask someone to coffee, attend a bible study on our own, or go to an event without the crutch of going with a friend?  Ultimately, it's shame.

"Shame is the fear of disconnection," says Brown.  I believe we all carry a deep seeded fear that there is something wrong with us.  In the recesses of our mind, we carry the fear that if other people see our dysfunction, we will be deemed unworthy of connection.  The thing about shame is that it is universal, and no one wants to talk about it.  Unfortunately, the less you talk about it, the more shame you have. 

How does shame influence our connections with people?  In order for connection to happen we have to allow ourselves to be seen.  REALLY seen.  This excruciating vulnerability is something that must happen in order for true connections to be made.  If you're a fear based person, it means that the fear of being alone in the world, out weighs the fear of being made vulnerable. 

The researcher went on to say that there are, in essence, two types of people in the world.  Those with a strong sense of worthiness vs. those who struggle with unworthiness.  The main difference between the two is that those who don't struggle BELIEVE they are worthy of love and belonging.  The fear of unworthiness keeps us from connection.

So here we are.  Christians called to fellowship, and walking through life with other believers and non-believers alike.  Yet, we hold back from making true connections because we hold within us a fear of rejection.  We are afraid of being found out to be an imperfect person with issues.  We were made to be interdependent and social with others.  Yet we hold back because we wait for someone else to approach us. 

If you're not taking a risk on someone you're not living.  I learned this to be true.  Before I came to know Christ, I had instances of loneliness, but I was surprised that after I gave my life over, I felt more alone than ever.  God had changed my heart and suddenly I was faced with the reality that I was alone in my new life.  I knew that God was with me but I was a lone island in a sea of unbelievers amongst my friends and family.  I was experiencing the fear of unworthiness by those who knew the old me.

I'd like to say that I drew near to the Lord and got to know Him in my times of solitude and everything was fine.  However, although I did spend every free moment reading His word, it didn't help me to feel anymore connected to those around me.  It wasn't until I read the verse in James 4:2, "You have not, because you ask not."  I prayed for friends with no response.  I felt betrayed by God until I realized that our God is the god of details.  My generic prayers weren't being answered because I already had "friends," but my actual need was for "Godly friends." 

I've never been a woman who connects well with other women.  I grew up with boys, I've been the loan woman in many bands overrun with men, my best friends have always been guys etc.  It was less drama and less work than the kinds of relationships I saw in women around me.  Those female friendships I observed involved a lot of phone calls and lunch dates and going shopping and talking and blechhhh... not my thing.  “Not for me,” I thought.  

However, it became apparent that there were some things that could not and would not be translated in my male/female friendships.  I was lonelier than ever, yet I decided to take my first risk.  I simply prayed, "God, please bring godly female friendships into my life. Amen." I made myself vulnerable to God with my requests.  I waited, again with no immediate response.  I isolated myself but continued to fervently read His word.

A few weeks later, I was at my church in Manhattan and as I read the bulletin I saw that there was a women's bible study.  The thought crossed my mind that I should go, but the fear that I would have nothing to offer at such a study squashed my inclination.  It was around this time I heard the saying, "Nothing ventured, nothing lost."  It made sense to me and lined up perfectly with my personality of not being a risk taker.  Then I realized that if there is nothing ventured, then nothing is gained.  I wanted to "have" but I didn't want to venture the risk.  

I was lacking close relationships and connection because I was unwilling to be exposed.  I was too worried that I would be rejected, that I would be deemed unworthy of connection if my secrets got out and people knew who I really was.  I had bought into the lie the enemy was whispering in my ear.  “You are not worthy of that kind of friendship, you are not versed enough in the bible to offer any insights, you are damaged goods, You are not a normal woman…” Such powerful lies, and I was buying into every one.   However God was with me, and that Tuesday night, He gave me the courage to walk into a room of 70 women.  There began my journey of connection. 

My time of bible study and fellowship with these 10 women in my small group changed me forever.  It was a group of women ranging from age 20 to 70 and my prayer had been answered.  I'd like to say that we became inseparable friends, but the truth is that I only keep in contact with 2 or 3 of those who I spent more one on one time with.  Within our group we were all so different, but God meant for it to be that way.  How else would we grow, and how would we be challenged to grow if we were all the same?  I learned that people enter your life for a season and that we can be Sisters in Christ but we don’t all have to be best friends.  They are there to pour into your life for the time that God has ordained.  Some are placed in our lives to challenge us, while others are there to nurture us.  Had I not taken the risk of being vulnerable I would not have learned these things and grown as a person. 

There comes a point in life where the fear of being made vulnerable is outweighed by our desire for true connection.  It's only in this time when these true godly friendships enter our lives.  But it takes risk! It takes believing that you are worthy of those friendships.  It takes the knowledge, dependence and trust in God, that regardless of the outcome of the risk you take, even if you are rejected by man, that you are accepted by the God Most High.  

If you're feeling alone, what lie about yourself has the enemy deceived you with?  If you're complaining that you are lacking connection or friends in your life, what risks you are taking to make those connections happen?  If you are defeated by rejection, where does your sense of self-worth come from, being liked or befriended by others, or from the One who gives you each breath?  Just some thoughts I’ve had lately.

On that note… Who wants to meet for coffee? 

~Mimi