By His Wounds

It’s certainly been quite a few years since I’ve written anything for this blog.

  

The reality being that more than a few trials have come my way in those years.  The biggest one being the end of my marriage of 9 years.  And although I’ve written quite a few things in journals regarding my thoughts on the subject I’ve never posted them. 

I know me.  

I’d read them over and over, analyzing what went wrong, wondering if I could have done anything more to save my marriage.

The truth is, I did everything I could.  Even things I couldn’t, relying entirely on God’s strength.

When speaking with people after the events that lead to the end of my marriage, and in the subsequent years since, I’ve come to accept “the look.”

There’s always a look.

Sometimes the look is of shock, usually melting into pity.

Yes. It’s a pity. 

But as I explain the transformation that took place in my heart, "the look" quickly fades to one of surprise. As I explain what the Lord did in my heart, my mind and my spirit, I get a chance to show God's greatness. The new look? It depends on the person. Non-believers have mixed reactions... disbelief, incredulity, surprise. However, it's can be the same reaction with fellow believers. 

We all have doubts. Trials either confirm our beliefs or unravel them.

I explain how God never left. I explain how sweet my time of worship was with him, hidden in the shadow of his wing as I cried songs of hardship and the victory I would receive.

In the year prior to my marriage ending, marriage counseling was a lonely place.  You can’t save your marriage when the other person is dead set on doing nothing.  I fought for us on my own.

 

I’m single now.  However the last year and a half of my marriage was the loneliest I’ve ever felt. It was compounded as I watched someone I love, turn into someone I knew they’d hate.  No amount of love, patience or prayer changed the mind of someone dead set on their own destruction.

That’s how it goes sometimes.  Sometimes there’s not enough love in the world to help someone understand, or to love themselves. That’s why I made my knees black and blue from praying that God would move my husband’s heart, and open his eyes to sin, and restore him to the joy of his salvation.

I fasted.

I prayed.

I cried.

I pressed in.

I was closer to the Lord than I had ever been, in my life. Even closer than when I lost my mother to Stage IV Inflammatory Breast Cancer.  My beliefs became real. My understanding of my Lord became unshakable.  My doubts and questions about God dissolved.

My resolve was firm.

My faith unmoved.

My belief in the miraculous strengthened.

These have not been an easy 3 years, but they have been full of confidence that although man bitterly rejected me, my Savior has not.  And together, my Jesus and I, share in this experience.

They say the closer the person to you that has rejected you, the deeper the wound.  When your spouse is the one who has rejected you, the rending of your mind, soul and spirit is profound.  

I thought a great many things in the year that followed, many scary and crushing thoughts.  And at every thought, the still small voice of God reminded me that I am loved, that He is still El Roi, the God who sees me. 

The attacks I experienced were great.

Ferocious.

Unrelenting.

I was fighting for my life. If I’m honest, I truly was fighting to stay alive on some very dark days.  And I was thankful for the careful instruction and discipline I had learned years before from 2 Corinthians 10:6.

“We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity.” 2 Corinthians 10:6 (MSG)

So I did as the word said.

Daily, I smashed warped philosophies that attempted to take root in my mind and my heart.  Through tears, I prayed down heaven. I stood against every loose thought and emotion, and commanded it into the obedience of Christ. I prayed daily for a heart a of flesh, that I might not become embittered due to the pain that had been inflicted on me by the hand of the one I loved and trusted. 

I prayed for God to show me how to love my husband now. And I begged for the Lord to show me how to love my enemy.

God answered.

I forgave my ex-husband.

I prayed new prayers: God bring him low, so he can once again recognize his need for you and turn away from his sin.  Do whatever you need to do, but spare his life.

I prayed for my enemy through hot tears.

I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. 
I resolved to accept His way was not my way. 
But he had answered. 
And I resolved to accept His will as the Holy Spirit washed me, comforted me and endued me with the power to take one step closer to the finish line.

Life would never be the same from the moment I made the decision to accept His will and not my own. 

My ex-husband's life was spared.
He is alive. 

My prayer was answered.

My heart still beats. I've not been hardened.

My God is able.
My God is faithful.

Isaiah 53:5New Living Translation (NLT)

5 

But he was pierced for our rebellion,

    crushed for our sins.

He was beaten so we could be whole.

    He was whipped so we could be healed.

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