By His Wounds

It’s certainly been quite a few years since I’ve written anything for this blog.

  

The reality being that more than a few trials have come my way in those years.  The biggest one being the end of my marriage of 9 years.  And although I’ve written quite a few things in journals regarding my thoughts on the subject I’ve never posted them. 

I know me.  

I’d read them over and over, analyzing what went wrong, wondering if I could have done anything more to save my marriage.

The truth is, I did everything I could.  Even things I couldn’t, relying entirely on God’s strength.

When speaking with people after the events that lead to the end of my marriage, and in the subsequent years since, I’ve come to accept “the look.”

There’s always a look.

Sometimes the look is of shock, usually melting into pity.

Yes. It’s a pity. 

But as I explain the transformation that took place in my heart, "the look" quickly fades to one of surprise. As I explain what the Lord did in my heart, my mind and my spirit, I get a chance to show God's greatness. The new look? It depends on the person. Non-believers have mixed reactions... disbelief, incredulity, surprise. However, it's can be the same reaction with fellow believers. 

We all have doubts. Trials either confirm our beliefs or unravel them.

I explain how God never left. I explain how sweet my time of worship was with him, hidden in the shadow of his wing as I cried songs of hardship and the victory I would receive.

In the year prior to my marriage ending, marriage counseling was a lonely place.  You can’t save your marriage when the other person is dead set on doing nothing.  I fought for us on my own.

 

I’m single now.  However the last year and a half of my marriage was the loneliest I’ve ever felt. It was compounded as I watched someone I love, turn into someone I knew they’d hate.  No amount of love, patience or prayer changed the mind of someone dead set on their own destruction.

That’s how it goes sometimes.  Sometimes there’s not enough love in the world to help someone understand, or to love themselves. That’s why I made my knees black and blue from praying that God would move my husband’s heart, and open his eyes to sin, and restore him to the joy of his salvation.

I fasted.

I prayed.

I cried.

I pressed in.

I was closer to the Lord than I had ever been, in my life. Even closer than when I lost my mother to Stage IV Inflammatory Breast Cancer.  My beliefs became real. My understanding of my Lord became unshakable.  My doubts and questions about God dissolved.

My resolve was firm.

My faith unmoved.

My belief in the miraculous strengthened.

These have not been an easy 3 years, but they have been full of confidence that although man bitterly rejected me, my Savior has not.  And together, my Jesus and I, share in this experience.

They say the closer the person to you that has rejected you, the deeper the wound.  When your spouse is the one who has rejected you, the rending of your mind, soul and spirit is profound.  

I thought a great many things in the year that followed, many scary and crushing thoughts.  And at every thought, the still small voice of God reminded me that I am loved, that He is still El Roi, the God who sees me. 

The attacks I experienced were great.

Ferocious.

Unrelenting.

I was fighting for my life. If I’m honest, I truly was fighting to stay alive on some very dark days.  And I was thankful for the careful instruction and discipline I had learned years before from 2 Corinthians 10:6.

“We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity.” 2 Corinthians 10:6 (MSG)

So I did as the word said.

Daily, I smashed warped philosophies that attempted to take root in my mind and my heart.  Through tears, I prayed down heaven. I stood against every loose thought and emotion, and commanded it into the obedience of Christ. I prayed daily for a heart a of flesh, that I might not become embittered due to the pain that had been inflicted on me by the hand of the one I loved and trusted. 

I prayed for God to show me how to love my husband now. And I begged for the Lord to show me how to love my enemy.

God answered.

I forgave my ex-husband.

I prayed new prayers: God bring him low, so he can once again recognize his need for you and turn away from his sin.  Do whatever you need to do, but spare his life.

I prayed for my enemy through hot tears.

I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. 
I resolved to accept His way was not my way. 
But he had answered. 
And I resolved to accept His will as the Holy Spirit washed me, comforted me and endued me with the power to take one step closer to the finish line.

Life would never be the same from the moment I made the decision to accept His will and not my own. 

My ex-husband's life was spared.
He is alive. 

My prayer was answered.

My heart still beats. I've not been hardened.

My God is able.
My God is faithful.

Isaiah 53:5New Living Translation (NLT)

5 

But he was pierced for our rebellion,

    crushed for our sins.

He was beaten so we could be whole.

    He was whipped so we could be healed.

---

 [m1]

You Will Keep Him in Perfect Peace...

 I have been having the same dream. 

I am in the middle of the ocean, and the sky is dark as night.  The wind is billowing up and the waves are tossing to great heights.  I’m not on a boat, or a life raft.  Nor am I floating in a life preserver.  I am walking.  I am walking on the water.  I know who I am to look for.  I am looking for Him; my Jesus, my Savior, my Strength.  But no matter where I look, I can’t find Him.  I’m not afraid, I just keep walking, waves tossing, sky flashing.  I keep walking.  I keep searching for Jesus. 

I wake up.

I have lived my whole life close to the ocean; first, on the beaches of Long Island and now on the beaches of South Florida.  I love to lie on the beach and listen to the waves lapping the shore, seagulls gulling, children splashing about.  Many a childhood summer was spent floating, face to sky, listening to the underwater tinkering of tossed shells. 

Yet, I fear the ocean.  The steady waves can eat away a shoreline, tear down a building, or snatch you up and draw you out to its depths never to be seen again.  There’s the real fear.  I know the power of a riptide.  I know the fear of gasping for air as the waves and water fill your belly.  I have felt the panic of my helplessness as I struggled to swim.  I have known the feeling of wanting to just give in and let the water overtake me.  If you have ever almost drowned, you understand.  I have a healthy respect for the ocean.  I also have a great fear of it.

No one knows better the fears of my heart, the joys of my soul and the love of my God than King David in his psalms.  And never have I understood more, the words he wrote about the depths than in this season of my life.

Psalm 42:7- Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

Psalm 69:2- I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me.

I have certainly felt the roar of the waterfalls and the flood engulfing me.  I have felt myself sink into the miry depths where there is no foothold.  I have felt myself drowning in an ocean of despair in the midst of a situation that seemed to have no hope.  And yet, when I could have listened to the voice saying, “Just give in.  All is lost.” I continued on in a desperate attempt to find relief to fight the lies.  To fight the fears.  I got on my knees and prayed for 3 days.  I saw the sun rise and set as I prayed to God. With an great ache in my heart I began to think, “Dying is the only thing that could cure this pain.”  I cried out to God; knees hurting, at the top of my lungs, head buried in the couch cushions.  

Then God the Holy Spirit brought to mind…

Romans 12:3 (NKJV) -  ³ For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith.

I prayed boldly.  I dared to pray for an extra measure of faith.  I needed Him to give me more faith; to help me believe.  And as suddenly as the storm had risen in me, it was calmed.  I felt His peace where fear had overtaken me.  I felt His joy where sadness had driven me to despair.  In an instant my tears dried up, my fears silenced.  I felt His compassion.  I felt him leading me. I felt His presence.  It was freaky.  It was overwhelming.  It was awesome.  

Micah 7:19  (ESV) - He will again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.

Psalm 139:9-10 (ESV) - If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.

I am reminded of Peter walking on water when Jesus called him.  It says he got out of the boat, walked on the water and came to Jesus.  But Peter looked at the storm around him and began to sink.  When he cried out to Jesus, he reached out his hand and took hold of Peter.  (Matthew 14:22-23)  That means, Peter walked the length of the sea in the midst of the storm, got within arms reach of Jesus and then looked away!  Peter was within arms reach, in God's presence and he looked away!  How may times have I myself been so near the presence of God and looked way?  

So what of my dream?

In my dream, I am walking.  I don’t see Jesus, but I am looking for Him.  I am not looking at the waves except to see if Jesus is stepping out of them.  I am not looking at the flash of lightning, except to see if its light has revealed Him.  In my dream I am not afraid.  In my dream I am not sinking.  In my dream, my mind is on my Savior.  In my dream I am determined to find Him; to be in His presence.  

In the light of day, I see the sun is shining.  I see the palm leaves swaying in the morning breezes.  The storm rises up inside of me.  The fears rear their ugly head.  I remember my dream.  I remember to keep searching for Him.

I am at peace.  Because, I think of Him moment by moment.  Because, I trust in Him.  Because I asked for more of Him.  

Luke 11 (ERV)-  ⁹ So I tell you, continue to ask, and God will give to you. Continue to search, and you will find. Continue to knock, and the door will open for you. ¹⁰ Yes, whoever continues to ask will receive. Whoever continues to look will find. And whoever continues to knock will have the door opened for them. 

Never stop searching.  Never stop asking.  You will receive.  

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) - Hillsong UNITED