By His Wounds

It’s certainly been quite a few years since I’ve written anything for this blog.

  

The reality being that more than a few trials have come my way in those years.  The biggest one being the end of my marriage of 9 years.  And although I’ve written quite a few things in journals regarding my thoughts on the subject I’ve never posted them. 

I know me.  

I’d read them over and over, analyzing what went wrong, wondering if I could have done anything more to save my marriage.

The truth is, I did everything I could.  Even things I couldn’t, relying entirely on God’s strength.

When speaking with people after the events that lead to the end of my marriage, and in the subsequent years since, I’ve come to accept “the look.”

There’s always a look.

Sometimes the look is of shock, usually melting into pity.

Yes. It’s a pity. 

But as I explain the transformation that took place in my heart, "the look" quickly fades to one of surprise. As I explain what the Lord did in my heart, my mind and my spirit, I get a chance to show God's greatness. The new look? It depends on the person. Non-believers have mixed reactions... disbelief, incredulity, surprise. However, it's can be the same reaction with fellow believers. 

We all have doubts. Trials either confirm our beliefs or unravel them.

I explain how God never left. I explain how sweet my time of worship was with him, hidden in the shadow of his wing as I cried songs of hardship and the victory I would receive.

In the year prior to my marriage ending, marriage counseling was a lonely place.  You can’t save your marriage when the other person is dead set on doing nothing.  I fought for us on my own.

 

I’m single now.  However the last year and a half of my marriage was the loneliest I’ve ever felt. It was compounded as I watched someone I love, turn into someone I knew they’d hate.  No amount of love, patience or prayer changed the mind of someone dead set on their own destruction.

That’s how it goes sometimes.  Sometimes there’s not enough love in the world to help someone understand, or to love themselves. That’s why I made my knees black and blue from praying that God would move my husband’s heart, and open his eyes to sin, and restore him to the joy of his salvation.

I fasted.

I prayed.

I cried.

I pressed in.

I was closer to the Lord than I had ever been, in my life. Even closer than when I lost my mother to Stage IV Inflammatory Breast Cancer.  My beliefs became real. My understanding of my Lord became unshakable.  My doubts and questions about God dissolved.

My resolve was firm.

My faith unmoved.

My belief in the miraculous strengthened.

These have not been an easy 3 years, but they have been full of confidence that although man bitterly rejected me, my Savior has not.  And together, my Jesus and I, share in this experience.

They say the closer the person to you that has rejected you, the deeper the wound.  When your spouse is the one who has rejected you, the rending of your mind, soul and spirit is profound.  

I thought a great many things in the year that followed, many scary and crushing thoughts.  And at every thought, the still small voice of God reminded me that I am loved, that He is still El Roi, the God who sees me. 

The attacks I experienced were great.

Ferocious.

Unrelenting.

I was fighting for my life. If I’m honest, I truly was fighting to stay alive on some very dark days.  And I was thankful for the careful instruction and discipline I had learned years before from 2 Corinthians 10:6.

“We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity.” 2 Corinthians 10:6 (MSG)

So I did as the word said.

Daily, I smashed warped philosophies that attempted to take root in my mind and my heart.  Through tears, I prayed down heaven. I stood against every loose thought and emotion, and commanded it into the obedience of Christ. I prayed daily for a heart a of flesh, that I might not become embittered due to the pain that had been inflicted on me by the hand of the one I loved and trusted. 

I prayed for God to show me how to love my husband now. And I begged for the Lord to show me how to love my enemy.

God answered.

I forgave my ex-husband.

I prayed new prayers: God bring him low, so he can once again recognize his need for you and turn away from his sin.  Do whatever you need to do, but spare his life.

I prayed for my enemy through hot tears.

I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. 
I resolved to accept His way was not my way. 
But he had answered. 
And I resolved to accept His will as the Holy Spirit washed me, comforted me and endued me with the power to take one step closer to the finish line.

Life would never be the same from the moment I made the decision to accept His will and not my own. 

My ex-husband's life was spared.
He is alive. 

My prayer was answered.

My heart still beats. I've not been hardened.

My God is able.
My God is faithful.

Isaiah 53:5New Living Translation (NLT)

5 

But he was pierced for our rebellion,

    crushed for our sins.

He was beaten so we could be whole.

    He was whipped so we could be healed.

---

 [m1]

God sees me... AND HOW!

Recently, I have been struggling with a lot different things.  Mostly, what to do for my job.  We were given the option to work part-time this summer.  I discussed it with my husband and he suggested that I ask to work part time for the summer.  I was torn.  I've had two jobs almost my entire life.  How could I drop down to part-time?  How could we possibly make ends meet with just half of my usual paycheck to contribute?  So many questions...

I prayed about it and felt that the Lord was leading me to go to part time.  I thought had peace about it, but my "need to know things" mentality took over once again.  Suddenly I was in worry mode.  I was creating "what ifs" by the second and second guessing my decision.  Could I change it?  I had already put my request in to my boss.  

I am also presently working on my National CDA.  I am doing a fast track course and hoping to finish in the next 6 weeks.  120 credit hours in 6 weeks.  A ton of work!  More stress.  I have a 450 page manual to read, a ton of assigments, tests to take and resources to gather.  Again I wondered, "Am I doing the right thing Lord?"  

I'm a "write it in the sky with fireworks" or "hit me over the head" about somethings.  I struggle with trusting the Lord to provide at times and it has a lot to do with my upbringing.  I've been praying, "Lord, I need you to show me that what I'm doing is the right thing.  I need to know, without a shadow of a doubt that I'm in your will.  Please just make yourself known to me in this situation."

Well, Monday as I began reading my textbook for my CDA, God answered my prayer.  Not only did he answer my prayer, but literally called me by my name.  Because as I said before... I'm a write it in the sky with fireworks kind of girl sometimes.  Attatched is the picture to prove it.  Every last word printed in the picture is truth.  

God is good.  God is faithful.  God sees me

Genesis 16:13

New International Version (NIV)

 13 She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen[a] the One who sees me.”

Do Not Worry

    25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?

   28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

WOW!