Amaj7 Chord: Happiness with a touch of Melancholy

Amaj7 Chord: Happiness with a touch of Melancholy

I was recently playing a song that contained an Amaj7 chord and I realized that it created a bit of hopeful tension in the piece. I think it’s my new favorite chord in music. It’s happy with a touch of melancholy; my musical interpretation of life in general. 

In recent months I’ve experienced plenty of happiness with a touch of melancholy. It’s been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, and plenty of bitter sweet moments. But most of all hard lessons in obedience I thought I’d already learned. These times made me think of the long road it’s been to where my life is now and how if I forget the lessons I’ve learned, I’m bound to repeat them.

Years ago, I enjoyed singing in choirs and musicals. Karaoke? Sure! I used singing as a way to entertain people. “You’re so gifted, your voice is so pretty…” people would comment. Before long I thought, “Great. Wonderful. Thank you. But what’s the point?” I was in musicals, plays, choirs, orchestras, but overall I had lost my love for music and mostly I struggled with a crippling fear that my best was not good enough. I wondered, what’s the point of all this? I didn’t know God then.

Later as a new Christian, I began looking for answers as to why my life had turned into such a mess. All the temptations that the world offered, I had used and abused. I was exhausted. I realized that my misery was a direct result of the choices I had made and I was determined to get myself out of the hole I had dug. I wanted to know my purpose in life.

I had been encouraged by a coworker to visit her church on New York City’s East side. It took some time of church searching before I finally visited Trinity Baptist, but I’m glad I did. It was Palm Sunday and I walked into this formerly Swedish Baptist Church and waited in the balcony for service to begin. I didn’t know that I had a particularly important appointment with God that day. I was a little bit uncomfortable at first because I thought people would look at me and wonder what I was doing there. I realized perhaps I had not thought through my wardrobe choice for that morning. I didn’t know. I was new at this whole Christian thing.

The worship leader walked out to start worship and welcomed everyone to church. I was surprised. A woman?! A woman named Beth, in a long suit jacket and slacks?! Standing behind her was a choir of people and to her right a worship band including a brass section. Coming from a limited Catholic background, I was shocked when they started playing a song, I know now was by Kirk Franklin. “What IS this?” I wondered. I watched her, the choir and band in awe. “This is what I’ve been put on earth to do. THIS is the point!” I thought.

God spoke to me then. “Do you see that woman down there? She is singing to me. She is worship me. She is praising me. That is what you will be doing with your life, for me.” In my mind, I saw myself standing on a stage. There was a single white light shining down on me. I was singing worship with my hands raised in a stadium full of people I couldn’t see, but knew where there. I broke down crying.

Psalm 34

1 I will extol the LORD at all times;

his praise will always be on my lips.

I prayed this psalm to the Lord and vowed to praise Him no matter what. My heart felt like it would explode. 

This is the point of music. 

This is the reason I sing. 

This is who I will sing for. 

Moments later the enemy attacked with his lies. “You’ll never be able to do what that woman is doing! She’s trained. She’s talented. She’s been following God. What have you been doing with your life? You’ll never be the worship leader.” Fear gripped me. I shook my head to say no and said no to God’s plan for me.

In the months that followed, I tried to join the church’s choir and my work schedule prohibited it. I would sing along from the 4th pew where I sat faithfully each Sunday. I had a longing. But whenever the memory of what God had said to me crept up, I shook my head and His call on my life away.

Two years later I would move to Florida, find a new church home and sing faithfully again from the center section during worship. One day a man named Will heard me singing and encouraged me to join the choir and sing on the praise team. I put it off. Until Will took it upon himself to talk to the worship leader and tell him about the girl who stood behind him singing that he just needed to hear. Soon, I had joined the choir and was asked to sing on the praise team.

My first weekend: I sang my harmonies quietly during rehearsals because the prospect that at 10 AM the room would be filled with 700 people scared me to death. My hands were cold and shaking. My stomach ached with stage fright. I wondered why I had agreed. I rationalized that there were 4 other people singing next to me. No one would know it was me. I kept on this way for months blending in the background.

A few months later, I saw that the worship leader had me scheduled to sing a special song during the offertory. I was excited at first. Then panic set in. I practiced obsessively. And ultimately, I contemplated calling out sick. The day arrived. I paced, and tried to appear calm. The time came to sing and all those lies, I’d heard that morning in New York came flooding back.

I choked.

In front of a filled auditorium my singing began to crack and I began to cry. The worship leader looked over and just nodded. The band vamped on the chord progression. I was mortified. I was crying in public. All those eyes staring back at me. I closed my eyes and sang to God. With eyes closed, it was the two of us. The song ended and the congregation clapped. I left the stage quickly and hid in the bathroom. Psalm 34:1 repeated in my mind. I remembered my vow. God was not going to let me hide in the background and bathrooms forever. He reminded me, “I have plans for you. You will lead.”

I’d like to say, I finally got over my fears and obeyed God’s call, but I didn’t. Instead, I took a job as a preschool teacher and hid for 5 years instead of seeking 

out God’s plan and training for my future. I hid in the open by singing background vocals and learning how to support other worship leaders. I changed the subject whenever someone asked me if I would come sing at their church, or at another ministry event. 

I thought of excuses as to why I couldn’t lead worship for women’s ministry, or to help start a youth band. I smiled politely on the outside and was gripped with doubt on the inside. Singing was the only times I felt truly free, it was the aftermath of attacks from the enemy that shook my core. My pattern: Sing, run, sing run, that was my cycle. I did this with the devil smiling triumphantly as he ran behind me.

In the last months of 2012, God began changing my life. God changed my heart. God changed my mind. I was losing my mother to a rare form of breast cancer. It was a difficult time. I was heartbroken. I was scared. I was angry at the prospect of losing my mother. God again reminded me of my vow. I thought of David in the bible; the author of songs of happiness and melancholy. I thought, “I’m a David too.” I made the decision to sing no matter how I felt. I choked out songs through tears of sadness and frustration. I kicked my shoes off and worshiped in gladness. I jumped around and sang and danced for God alone. Weekly, I laid it bare before the Lord as congregations of people watched.

On the afternoon of January 7th 2013, the hospice nurse came to help with the care of my mother. I didn’t know what else to do, so I sat in our music room. I banged out chords on the keyboard and sang every song about God’s goodness, love and faithfulness that I could muster. I knew that my mother had accepted Christ before she had slipped into a medicine induced sleep. So I worshiped for the both of us. I sang loud enough for her to hear, and loud enough to overcome my fear, the pain I knew was coming, and the joy I knew my mother would experience in a short while. 

At 11:55pm my mother went to be with the Lord. 

I decided I was done running.

That following Sunday, I sang at church.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well with my soul.

Refrain:

It is well with my soul,

It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,

Even so, it is well with my soul.

** It Is Well With My Soul ** (link)

After 10 years of running, I am leading worship. 

If you see me in leading worship, eyes closed, it’s because I am with my Lord; making my vow to him. If you see me leading worship with knit brows and a wavering voice, it’s because I am making my vow in love to Him. If you see me in worship jumping around, hands raised, smile on my face it’s because I’m making my vow in victory to Him. 

The enemy is defeated. 

I’ve stopped running from God.  I run to Him.

My life is an Amaj7 chord: happy with a touch of melancholy.

 And I am making good on my vow to the Lord.

You Will Keep Him in Perfect Peace...

 I have been having the same dream. 

I am in the middle of the ocean, and the sky is dark as night.  The wind is billowing up and the waves are tossing to great heights.  I’m not on a boat, or a life raft.  Nor am I floating in a life preserver.  I am walking.  I am walking on the water.  I know who I am to look for.  I am looking for Him; my Jesus, my Savior, my Strength.  But no matter where I look, I can’t find Him.  I’m not afraid, I just keep walking, waves tossing, sky flashing.  I keep walking.  I keep searching for Jesus. 

I wake up.

I have lived my whole life close to the ocean; first, on the beaches of Long Island and now on the beaches of South Florida.  I love to lie on the beach and listen to the waves lapping the shore, seagulls gulling, children splashing about.  Many a childhood summer was spent floating, face to sky, listening to the underwater tinkering of tossed shells. 

Yet, I fear the ocean.  The steady waves can eat away a shoreline, tear down a building, or snatch you up and draw you out to its depths never to be seen again.  There’s the real fear.  I know the power of a riptide.  I know the fear of gasping for air as the waves and water fill your belly.  I have felt the panic of my helplessness as I struggled to swim.  I have known the feeling of wanting to just give in and let the water overtake me.  If you have ever almost drowned, you understand.  I have a healthy respect for the ocean.  I also have a great fear of it.

No one knows better the fears of my heart, the joys of my soul and the love of my God than King David in his psalms.  And never have I understood more, the words he wrote about the depths than in this season of my life.

Psalm 42:7- Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

Psalm 69:2- I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me.

I have certainly felt the roar of the waterfalls and the flood engulfing me.  I have felt myself sink into the miry depths where there is no foothold.  I have felt myself drowning in an ocean of despair in the midst of a situation that seemed to have no hope.  And yet, when I could have listened to the voice saying, “Just give in.  All is lost.” I continued on in a desperate attempt to find relief to fight the lies.  To fight the fears.  I got on my knees and prayed for 3 days.  I saw the sun rise and set as I prayed to God. With an great ache in my heart I began to think, “Dying is the only thing that could cure this pain.”  I cried out to God; knees hurting, at the top of my lungs, head buried in the couch cushions.  

Then God the Holy Spirit brought to mind…

Romans 12:3 (NKJV) -  ³ For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith.

I prayed boldly.  I dared to pray for an extra measure of faith.  I needed Him to give me more faith; to help me believe.  And as suddenly as the storm had risen in me, it was calmed.  I felt His peace where fear had overtaken me.  I felt His joy where sadness had driven me to despair.  In an instant my tears dried up, my fears silenced.  I felt His compassion.  I felt him leading me. I felt His presence.  It was freaky.  It was overwhelming.  It was awesome.  

Micah 7:19  (ESV) - He will again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.

Psalm 139:9-10 (ESV) - If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.

I am reminded of Peter walking on water when Jesus called him.  It says he got out of the boat, walked on the water and came to Jesus.  But Peter looked at the storm around him and began to sink.  When he cried out to Jesus, he reached out his hand and took hold of Peter.  (Matthew 14:22-23)  That means, Peter walked the length of the sea in the midst of the storm, got within arms reach of Jesus and then looked away!  Peter was within arms reach, in God's presence and he looked away!  How may times have I myself been so near the presence of God and looked way?  

So what of my dream?

In my dream, I am walking.  I don’t see Jesus, but I am looking for Him.  I am not looking at the waves except to see if Jesus is stepping out of them.  I am not looking at the flash of lightning, except to see if its light has revealed Him.  In my dream I am not afraid.  In my dream I am not sinking.  In my dream, my mind is on my Savior.  In my dream I am determined to find Him; to be in His presence.  

In the light of day, I see the sun is shining.  I see the palm leaves swaying in the morning breezes.  The storm rises up inside of me.  The fears rear their ugly head.  I remember my dream.  I remember to keep searching for Him.

I am at peace.  Because, I think of Him moment by moment.  Because, I trust in Him.  Because I asked for more of Him.  

Luke 11 (ERV)-  ⁹ So I tell you, continue to ask, and God will give to you. Continue to search, and you will find. Continue to knock, and the door will open for you. ¹⁰ Yes, whoever continues to ask will receive. Whoever continues to look will find. And whoever continues to knock will have the door opened for them. 

Never stop searching.  Never stop asking.  You will receive.  

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) - Hillsong UNITED

Why Me? Why not me?

Christ Brings New Life20 You died with Christ. Now the forces of the universe[d] don’t have any power over you. 

I've encountered a lot of hurting people in my walk with God.  And I have had the honor to walk along side them in their times of trouble. But, honestly I find myself wondering at times why they are confiding in me. Some things are easier than others to carry with them, but there have been times where the troubles seem to be too much for me to bear.  In those times I find myself asking, "Why me?"

But in response to my first question, I am faced with another question, "Why not me?"  What makes me so special that I feel like I shouldn't have to do these hard things?  The answer is Christ. Jesus died for me.  He died to pay the price to reconcile me with God, to make me new, to make me powerful in the strength of his Holy Spirit.  I often forget the last two things.  

My memory holds the truth of who I was, but my life now reveals the truth of who God has made me.  Often times, I find myself at odds with who I think I am and who God tells me I am.  Such a conundrum.  Reconciling the old me with the new me.  But the fact remains that the old me is DEAD, no more, gone and buried.  The new me is alive in strength of the same Holy Spirit who lived in Jesus.  Best of all, it was  a free gift to me from God... no strings attached, no repayment needed.

I used to slip into "Stinkin' Thinkin'," when someone would come to me for counsel.  It goes a little like this... "You have nothing to offer them... You don't know how to help them... This situation is beyond your scope...don't they know who you used to be?"  That enemy has no new tricks, but there I was, falling for them all.  Oh my sad, sad brain; that chooses on any given day, to think back to those days before my life was changed and make decisions or choices from that place.

How then do we go about life in the new reality of who we are?  How do we tap into the power of Christ to live out our lives daily?  It took years of conditioning to become the yucky-me-I-used-to-be.  And for me personally, it has taken some time and work to become who I am now.  For me the change began in my mind.

2 Corinthians 10:5 ...we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ...

Romans 12:22 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

When I read these verses years ago, it hit me.  Am I holding every thought captive to the obedience of Christ?  Am I weighing whether this thought I am having is from God, in line with his Spirit and with the Word of God?  I realized all too often I was just letting my mind wander back and forth, from the old man to the new man. And in the meantime, I was living my life by my feelings or from my own thoughts.  Since I already knew what a "great job" I had done before I gave my life to Jesus, I realized this had to change.  I started reading my Bible, and searching for encouraging scriptures.  I wrote them out and taped them to my bathroom mirror.  It's a practice that I continue to this day.

One of the verses that has been in circulation on my bathroom mirror this year.

And so began the renewing of my mind, as I flossed and brushed my teeth every day.  I would change out the scripture every few weeks to another that I had found, but I soon realized that my thoughts about myself were changing.  I realized my view of the world, of other people and my circumstances were changing.  That voice in my head, that would put me down was getting quieter.  Some days it didn't even show up, but when it did, I would ask, "Is this what God thinks of me?  Is this what God would have me do?  Is this in His word?"  I was thinking differently, and with the mind of Christ.  

The beginning of Proverbs 23:7 says "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he..."  Stop, and assess the harsh thoughts we have about ourselves. "You can't do that...  You're not as pretty as so and so...  You're getting fatter... You're getting older...  You're not going to be able to complete that project in time... etc..."  Can you imagine if someone said these things to you?  I don't know about you, but it would take all I have in me not to punch them!  We wouldn't say these hurtful things to others.  So why then, do we not extend ourselves the same kindness and consideration we would gladly give to others.  Why do we allow the enemy to have this kind of power over us in our thought life?  This has got to stop.  You were made for more than that!

I have been able to use all those experiences meant to destroy me in life, for the good and glory of God, in my ministry with other women.  God, who so gladly extended me mercy, kindness and understanding, has taught me to do the same to those who have asked me for counsel, or have confided in me their hardships.  I saw that they needed someone to do it for them until they could learn to do it for themselves.  In doing so, that action has revealed to me the answer to my first question, of  Why me?   

Why not me!  I too have struggled with the core issue of believing what God says about me vs. what the enemy says about me.  Who better to share my struggle and victory with, than with another woman who is walking those same steps?  And the glory of God's work is that in sharing my hardships and victories, God shows me in the kindest and most loving way possible, who He's made me to be and how far He and I have come together in our relationship.  God is alive.  He is a gentleman.  He has shown me these things over these past 10 years.

A life completely surrendered to Him is rewarded with this knowledge: The old has gone and the new has come.   I am holy.  I am blameless.  I am powerful.  I am righteous.  I am healthy.  I am prosperous.  I am forgiven.  I am worthy of love.  I am worthy of good things.  I am His beloved.  Whether I feel it, or whether I believe it completely, at the time, is irrelevant!  Why?  Because He is the Truth and The Way.  

As Christ is in heaven, so am I on this earth.   What a truth!  What a wonderful realization!  And when you wake up in the morning with this kind of bad hair day, it helps to remember who you really are.  :)

Thank you God for bad hair days.  Just another reminder of how much I need you.
Even in the little things.

Happy Housewife, Well Fed Husband.

Ah, so many books, so little time. Actually, I'm just bad at time management... 

Who can find a good wife?  For she is worth more than rubies that make one rich. Proverbs 31:10

This morning I came across an e-card that spoke to my current predicament.  I am presently in the process of reading 14 books.  No, not because I am a college student enrolled in school, but for the purpose of learning how to address all my deficiencies.  I have stepped out of denial and realized I am not PERFECT.  I'm aware that there are areas in my life where I could use some improvement and have decided that I'm taking this challenge of self improvement head on.  

However, as I am terrible a time management, I've found myself struggling to organize my time where I can get all the things accomplished that I want to do.  Anyone else have this problem?  I realize that there are a great number of time wasters in my life.  Namely, Facebook, Twitter, Pintrest, DIY network, Food Network, etc...  >Sigh<  My addictions to these things have left many pinned projects alone on their board in cyber space as well as many loads of clean laundry in need of an iron or folding.  

This isn't even the worst it's been...

Since I quit my job as a preschool teacher this past May, I thought I would have, "sooooo much more time" to get things done.  Well, I do and I don't.  It stinks when the projects you wanted to get done don't come about cheaply.  I see "unfinished" or "ignored" projects all around me on a daily basis.  The cleaning, that once provided instant gratification on my "I've-accomplished-something-today" scale has become a list of undesirable chores. 

The satisfaction of an item crossed off!

I wonder how I ever used to get anything done when I worked full time, and spent countless hours a week involved in Youth/ Women's/ Worship ministries.  Then I remember, I didn't.  My house was a disorderly mess, the tub needed a good scrubbing and the pile of mail grew by the day.  I don't even want to get into my barren refrigerator. Those were the days of the NOT-Well-Fed-Husband...   

I wonder what he ate!

 Poor Babe.  How'd he get stuck with a wife like me?  :/ 

Like I said, I'm aware of my deficiencies, and after a few weeks of beating myself up for not being the Proverbs 31 woman my husband deserved, I got to reading.  I realize figuring out how to be a good wife is not something that happens over night, (at least not for me) but I began my mission.  I found a book, that lead to another book, that lead to another... Pretty soon, I'm reading 14 at the same time.  No one can say I lack motivation, but organizing my time... uh... not so good.  

All that aside, I know that it took a long time for these crazy-A.D.D.-habits to take hold.  I'm just finding it so frustrating to break myself of them.  Slowly but surely, I'm learning.  

I'm learning... 

• how to be a better cook
• how to manage a house 
• how to balance a budget 
• how to be a gracious hostess, 
• how to cook foods that don't contain a stick a butter (1/2 a stick now)
• how to speak my husband's love language
• how to repsect my husband
• how to be support my husband
• how to pray for my husband and step-kids
• how to be a woman who's focus is on God first and foremost   

My successful days at tackling the To Do List, chores and reading have come about on days I've spent the appropriate time focusing on the Lord first.  I know it's not a coincidence, but I realize I'm a scatterbrain and how much I need God to help me learn how to do everything and anything.   

I also know that with His help, I'll eventually tackle my ridiculous reading list and hopefully have taken a step towards being more like a "good wife."  So on that note, I've got some reading to do... 

I'd better get to reading! Right after I check Pintrest for tonight's dinner inspiration... :)