Why Me? Why not me?

Christ Brings New Life20 You died with Christ. Now the forces of the universe[d] don’t have any power over you. 

I've encountered a lot of hurting people in my walk with God.  And I have had the honor to walk along side them in their times of trouble. But, honestly I find myself wondering at times why they are confiding in me. Some things are easier than others to carry with them, but there have been times where the troubles seem to be too much for me to bear.  In those times I find myself asking, "Why me?"

But in response to my first question, I am faced with another question, "Why not me?"  What makes me so special that I feel like I shouldn't have to do these hard things?  The answer is Christ. Jesus died for me.  He died to pay the price to reconcile me with God, to make me new, to make me powerful in the strength of his Holy Spirit.  I often forget the last two things.  

My memory holds the truth of who I was, but my life now reveals the truth of who God has made me.  Often times, I find myself at odds with who I think I am and who God tells me I am.  Such a conundrum.  Reconciling the old me with the new me.  But the fact remains that the old me is DEAD, no more, gone and buried.  The new me is alive in strength of the same Holy Spirit who lived in Jesus.  Best of all, it was  a free gift to me from God... no strings attached, no repayment needed.

I used to slip into "Stinkin' Thinkin'," when someone would come to me for counsel.  It goes a little like this... "You have nothing to offer them... You don't know how to help them... This situation is beyond your scope...don't they know who you used to be?"  That enemy has no new tricks, but there I was, falling for them all.  Oh my sad, sad brain; that chooses on any given day, to think back to those days before my life was changed and make decisions or choices from that place.

How then do we go about life in the new reality of who we are?  How do we tap into the power of Christ to live out our lives daily?  It took years of conditioning to become the yucky-me-I-used-to-be.  And for me personally, it has taken some time and work to become who I am now.  For me the change began in my mind.

2 Corinthians 10:5 ...we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ...

Romans 12:22 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

When I read these verses years ago, it hit me.  Am I holding every thought captive to the obedience of Christ?  Am I weighing whether this thought I am having is from God, in line with his Spirit and with the Word of God?  I realized all too often I was just letting my mind wander back and forth, from the old man to the new man. And in the meantime, I was living my life by my feelings or from my own thoughts.  Since I already knew what a "great job" I had done before I gave my life to Jesus, I realized this had to change.  I started reading my Bible, and searching for encouraging scriptures.  I wrote them out and taped them to my bathroom mirror.  It's a practice that I continue to this day.

One of the verses that has been in circulation on my bathroom mirror this year.

And so began the renewing of my mind, as I flossed and brushed my teeth every day.  I would change out the scripture every few weeks to another that I had found, but I soon realized that my thoughts about myself were changing.  I realized my view of the world, of other people and my circumstances were changing.  That voice in my head, that would put me down was getting quieter.  Some days it didn't even show up, but when it did, I would ask, "Is this what God thinks of me?  Is this what God would have me do?  Is this in His word?"  I was thinking differently, and with the mind of Christ.  

The beginning of Proverbs 23:7 says "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he..."  Stop, and assess the harsh thoughts we have about ourselves. "You can't do that...  You're not as pretty as so and so...  You're getting fatter... You're getting older...  You're not going to be able to complete that project in time... etc..."  Can you imagine if someone said these things to you?  I don't know about you, but it would take all I have in me not to punch them!  We wouldn't say these hurtful things to others.  So why then, do we not extend ourselves the same kindness and consideration we would gladly give to others.  Why do we allow the enemy to have this kind of power over us in our thought life?  This has got to stop.  You were made for more than that!

I have been able to use all those experiences meant to destroy me in life, for the good and glory of God, in my ministry with other women.  God, who so gladly extended me mercy, kindness and understanding, has taught me to do the same to those who have asked me for counsel, or have confided in me their hardships.  I saw that they needed someone to do it for them until they could learn to do it for themselves.  In doing so, that action has revealed to me the answer to my first question, of  Why me?   

Why not me!  I too have struggled with the core issue of believing what God says about me vs. what the enemy says about me.  Who better to share my struggle and victory with, than with another woman who is walking those same steps?  And the glory of God's work is that in sharing my hardships and victories, God shows me in the kindest and most loving way possible, who He's made me to be and how far He and I have come together in our relationship.  God is alive.  He is a gentleman.  He has shown me these things over these past 10 years.

A life completely surrendered to Him is rewarded with this knowledge: The old has gone and the new has come.   I am holy.  I am blameless.  I am powerful.  I am righteous.  I am healthy.  I am prosperous.  I am forgiven.  I am worthy of love.  I am worthy of good things.  I am His beloved.  Whether I feel it, or whether I believe it completely, at the time, is irrelevant!  Why?  Because He is the Truth and The Way.  

As Christ is in heaven, so am I on this earth.   What a truth!  What a wonderful realization!  And when you wake up in the morning with this kind of bad hair day, it helps to remember who you really are.  :)

Thank you God for bad hair days.  Just another reminder of how much I need you.
Even in the little things.

Happy Housewife, Well Fed Husband.

Ah, so many books, so little time. Actually, I'm just bad at time management... 

Who can find a good wife?  For she is worth more than rubies that make one rich. Proverbs 31:10

This morning I came across an e-card that spoke to my current predicament.  I am presently in the process of reading 14 books.  No, not because I am a college student enrolled in school, but for the purpose of learning how to address all my deficiencies.  I have stepped out of denial and realized I am not PERFECT.  I'm aware that there are areas in my life where I could use some improvement and have decided that I'm taking this challenge of self improvement head on.  

However, as I am terrible a time management, I've found myself struggling to organize my time where I can get all the things accomplished that I want to do.  Anyone else have this problem?  I realize that there are a great number of time wasters in my life.  Namely, Facebook, Twitter, Pintrest, DIY network, Food Network, etc...  >Sigh<  My addictions to these things have left many pinned projects alone on their board in cyber space as well as many loads of clean laundry in need of an iron or folding.  

This isn't even the worst it's been...

Since I quit my job as a preschool teacher this past May, I thought I would have, "sooooo much more time" to get things done.  Well, I do and I don't.  It stinks when the projects you wanted to get done don't come about cheaply.  I see "unfinished" or "ignored" projects all around me on a daily basis.  The cleaning, that once provided instant gratification on my "I've-accomplished-something-today" scale has become a list of undesirable chores. 

The satisfaction of an item crossed off!

I wonder how I ever used to get anything done when I worked full time, and spent countless hours a week involved in Youth/ Women's/ Worship ministries.  Then I remember, I didn't.  My house was a disorderly mess, the tub needed a good scrubbing and the pile of mail grew by the day.  I don't even want to get into my barren refrigerator. Those were the days of the NOT-Well-Fed-Husband...   

I wonder what he ate!

 Poor Babe.  How'd he get stuck with a wife like me?  :/ 

Like I said, I'm aware of my deficiencies, and after a few weeks of beating myself up for not being the Proverbs 31 woman my husband deserved, I got to reading.  I realize figuring out how to be a good wife is not something that happens over night, (at least not for me) but I began my mission.  I found a book, that lead to another book, that lead to another... Pretty soon, I'm reading 14 at the same time.  No one can say I lack motivation, but organizing my time... uh... not so good.  

All that aside, I know that it took a long time for these crazy-A.D.D.-habits to take hold.  I'm just finding it so frustrating to break myself of them.  Slowly but surely, I'm learning.  

I'm learning... 

• how to be a better cook
• how to manage a house 
• how to balance a budget 
• how to be a gracious hostess, 
• how to cook foods that don't contain a stick a butter (1/2 a stick now)
• how to speak my husband's love language
• how to repsect my husband
• how to be support my husband
• how to pray for my husband and step-kids
• how to be a woman who's focus is on God first and foremost   

My successful days at tackling the To Do List, chores and reading have come about on days I've spent the appropriate time focusing on the Lord first.  I know it's not a coincidence, but I realize I'm a scatterbrain and how much I need God to help me learn how to do everything and anything.   

I also know that with His help, I'll eventually tackle my ridiculous reading list and hopefully have taken a step towards being more like a "good wife."  So on that note, I've got some reading to do... 

I'd better get to reading! Right after I check Pintrest for tonight's dinner inspiration... :)

An Evening at McDonalds

When I lived in New York, I would often take myself on “dates.” I’d grab a book and pick a place and head out for dinner alone. For some reason this often raised eyebrows as the hostess walked me to a table normally for two. I got pretty used to getting looked over at the door as they seated complete parties ahead of me.

Last night, I had some time to spend alone. I left the house, without any real destination. As I drove I decided, “I really want a Coca Cola.” McDonalds was on my left and although I can’t remember the last time I went into one, I found myself pulling my car into the parking lot. I thought I was there to get a soda. I was wrong.

Approaching the counter, the kid in his uniform asked what I would like. Instead of the fountain soda I had planned on, I ordered a meal. I had time to kill and decided that it would be a good chance to catch up on some reading and the beeper announcing that a fresh batch of fries was done, was the clincher.

I was glad that there isn’t a hostess at McDonalds. I chose a booth for 4 on the far wall, rather than sit in the cramped looking table for 2 in the corner of the dining room. I began my familiar process; spread out my meal in front of me, chose three fries, bunched them together and dipped into the ketchup. I grabbed my book from my oversized purse and began reading and munching. It all felt familiar.

I overheard a conversation at a far table between a man and the man preparing his taxes. I listened as “taxman” educated his client on the importance of keeping receipts and maintaining a mileage log. After all, he was a sales man. There were a lot of write-offs to be had. He explained about charitable contributions and mentioned a place called Serenity Beach House, a halfway house for young women. “Taxman” explained the benefits of keeping careful logs of charitable contributions as well. The client just looked at the other man as if he were speaking a foreign language. I wondered if it was all the tax information or word “charitable contributions” that confused him.

Sometime later, I can’t be sure when, I found myself staring out the window. There was a large man getting out of his car. He was late 30’s, tall, stocky and tattoos covered his arms. He appeared gruff. His wife, close in age, followed behind him, with three young boys. She wore a long flowing skirt, sandals, a stripped t-shirt, hair thrown up in a messy bun. I watched as the man entered and headed to the counter. Mom and the boys picked the booth directly in front of me.

I listened as the boys chattered on about the door behind me. Was there an arcade behind the door? Didn’t there used to be arcades in McDonalds? I vaguely remembered, the one I went to as a little girl, had one. I listened to their hopeful voices as their mother asked them to sit down and informed them that the door lead to the employee break room. With resigned defeat I watched the boys sit and settle in.

Three boys. Three Mohawk hair cuts. Mom sat with her back towards me. I went back to my book and French fries. A few minutes later the man came back with food and sat next to his wife. His orange t-shirt caught my peripheral vision as I read and I looked up just in time to see him settle down and look up at the tax man. The “tax man” called out to him a greeting. They chatted about where they knew each other. Ah yes, from this place or that. I watched as the boys sat waiting. Not one opened his sandwich.

Their father finished their conversation and turned his attention to his family. I took a sip of my soda. They all crossed themselves and I listened as the youngest boy said a prayer of thanks for their food. The youngest boy met my gaze. “Voyeur,” I thought to myself. I had been caught. I looked away, out towards the window and to a car passing by in the parking lot.

I’m not sure what exactly happened next. Something overwhelming came over me. My eyes suddenly began to overflow with tears. I felt at home with my brothers and sisters in the Lord. I thought about the cross section of people sitting in this McDonalds with me. I thought about this "taxman,” and Matthew from the bilbe. The client and the parable of the rich young ruler. The gruff man with tattoos, his wife and the Mohawk triplets, "I say to you, come to me as little children..." Blessed are the poor in spirit... As I thought on these things, I prayed. I prayed that God would someday allow me to have a family like theirs. One that is closely knit, filled with love for each other, and for the Lord. I thanked God for choosing me, loving me and forgiving me and all the other outcasts of this world.

I cleaned up my tray. I packed my book away and took a sip of my soda. I walked towards the garbage and deposited my trash. I looked over at this family, eating, chattering boys, Mom and Dad listening to their children… “You have a lovely family,” I thought. I thought it. I didn’t say it.

The lump in my throat prevented me.