I
have been having the same dream.
I
am in the middle of the ocean, and the sky is dark as night. The wind is billowing up and the waves are
tossing to great heights. I’m not on a
boat, or a life raft. Nor am I floating
in a life preserver. I am walking. I am walking on the water. I know who I am to look for. I am looking for Him; my Jesus, my Savior, my
Strength. But no matter where I look, I
can’t find Him. I’m not afraid, I just
keep walking, waves tossing, sky flashing.
I keep walking. I keep searching
for Jesus.
I
wake up.
I have lived my whole life close to the ocean; first, on the beaches of Long Island
and now on the beaches of South Florida.
I love to lie on the beach and listen to the waves lapping the shore, seagulls
gulling, children splashing about. Many
a childhood summer was spent floating, face to sky, listening to the underwater
tinkering of tossed shells.
Yet,
I fear the ocean. The steady waves can
eat away a shoreline, tear down a building, or snatch you up and draw you out
to its depths never to be seen again.
There’s the real fear. I know the
power of a riptide. I know the fear of
gasping for air as the waves and water fill your belly. I have felt the panic of my helplessness as I struggled to swim. I have known the feeling of wanting to just give in and let the water overtake me. If you have ever almost drowned, you understand. I have a healthy
respect for the ocean. I also have a great fear of it.
No one knows better the fears of my heart,
the joys of my soul and the love of my God than King David in his psalms. And never have I understood more, the words
he wrote about the depths than in this season of my life.
Psalm 42:7- Deep calls to deep in the roar of
your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
Psalm 69:2- I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me.
Psalm 69:2- I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me.
I have certainly felt the roar of the
waterfalls and the flood engulfing me. I
have felt myself sink into the miry depths where there is no foothold. I have felt myself drowning in an ocean of despair
in the midst of a situation that seemed to have no hope. And yet, when I could have listened to the
voice saying, “Just give in. All is lost.” I continued on in a desperate attempt to find relief to fight the lies. To fight the fears.
I got on my knees and prayed for 3 days.
I saw the sun rise and set as I prayed to God. With an great ache in my heart I began to think, “Dying is the only thing that could cure this pain.” I cried out to God; knees hurting, at the top of my lungs, head buried in the couch cushions.
Then God the Holy Spirit brought to mind…
Romans
12:3 (NKJV) - 3 For I
say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of
himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God
has dealt to each one a measure of faith.
I prayed boldly. I dared to pray for an extra measure
of faith. I needed Him to give me more
faith; to help me believe. And as
suddenly as the storm had risen in me, it was calmed. I felt His peace where fear had overtaken
me. I felt His joy where sadness had
driven me to despair. In an instant my
tears dried up, my fears silenced. I felt His compassion. I felt him leading me. I
felt His presence. It was freaky. It was overwhelming. It was awesome.
Micah 7:19 (ESV) - He will
again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will
cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.
Psalm 139:9-10 (ESV) - If I
take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even
there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
I am reminded of Peter walking on water when
Jesus called him. It says he got out of
the boat, walked on the water and came to
Jesus. But Peter looked at the storm
around him and began to sink. When he
cried out to Jesus, he reached out his hand and took hold of Peter. (Matthew 14:22-23) That means, Peter walked the length of the
sea in the midst of the storm, got within arms reach of Jesus and then looked
away! Peter was within arms reach, in God's presence and he
looked away! How may times have I myself
been so near the presence of God and looked way?
So what of my dream?
In my dream, I am walking. I don’t see Jesus, but I am looking for Him. I am not looking at the waves except to see
if Jesus is stepping out of them. I am
not looking at the flash of lightning, except to see if its light has revealed
Him. In my dream I am not afraid. In my dream I am not sinking. In my dream, my mind is on my Savior. In my dream I am determined to find Him; to be in His presence.
In the light of day, I see the sun is shining. I see the palm leaves swaying in the morning
breezes. The storm rises up inside of
me. The fears rear their ugly head. I remember my dream. I remember to keep searching for Him.
I am at peace. Because, I think of Him moment by moment. Because, I trust in Him. Because I asked for more of Him.
Luke 11 (ERV)- 9 So I tell you, continue to ask, and God will give to you.
Continue to search, and you will find. Continue to knock, and the door will
open for you. 10 Yes, whoever continues to ask will receive.
Whoever continues to look will find. And whoever continues to knock will have
the door opened for them.
